Top 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'