Top 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'