Top 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.