Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg nightpeopleshow Change image and share on social
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg footseverstock Change image and share on social
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Mitch Hedberg cubeicemake Change image and share on social
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. Mitch Hedberg dayhotremember Change image and share on social
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Mitch Hedberg disillusionkingmake Change image and share on social
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg eatgreathungry Change image and share on social
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg blockbusinesscasino share on social
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg girlfriendmadwoman Change image and share on social
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg beanfrygood Change image and share on social
