Top 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.