Top 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.