Top 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'