This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Mitch Hedberg cleandirtymean Change image and share on social
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg backpackbringday Change image and share on social
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. Mitch Hedberg actresscallhalfway Change image and share on social
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. Mitch Hedberg cockydangeroushand Change image and share on social
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Mitch Hedberg askbananafreeze Change image and share on social
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. Mitch Hedberg disillusionkingmake Change image and share on social
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones. Mitch Hedberg addfixgonna Change image and share on social
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg breakconvenienceescalator Change image and share on social
Dogs are forever in the push up postion. Mitch Hedberg dogforeverpostion Change image and share on social
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg blockbusinesscasino share on social
