I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. Mitch Hedberg bunchcordhear Change image and share on social
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. Mitch Hedberg doghavelife Change image and share on social
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. Mitch Hedberg cleandirtymean Change image and share on social
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg amazecloudfunny Change image and share on social
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Mitch Hedberg picketeshow Change image and share on social
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Mitch Hedberg assumegonnaplanet Change image and share on social
Dogs are forever in the push up postion. Mitch Hedberg dogforeverpostion Change image and share on social
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. Mitch Hedberg carrotdrinkmess Change image and share on social
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. Mitch Hedberg crateforkforklift Change image and share on social
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Mitch Hedberg askbananafreeze Change image and share on social
