My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg diefakeplant Change image and share on social
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? Mitch Hedberg belthappenhero Change image and share on social
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg boildrinkwant Change image and share on social
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg buycakecandle Change image and share on social
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg katkitpeople Change image and share on social
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg addictheroinelife Change image and share on social
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg amazecloudfunny Change image and share on social
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg backblowbubble Change image and share on social
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg apeexplainfootball Change image and share on social
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg bookchildkid Change image and share on social
