I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg buycakecandle Change image and share on social
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg katkitpeople Change image and share on social
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg amazecloudfunny Change image and share on social
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg apeexplainfootball Change image and share on social
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Mitch Hedberg assumegonnaplanet Change image and share on social
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles. Mitch Hedberg 000eathungry Change image and share on social
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg bookchildkid Change image and share on social
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg buycaredollar Change image and share on social
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg catcheatfish Change image and share on social
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg addictheroinelife Change image and share on social
