I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. Mitch Hedberg buycakecandle Change image and share on social
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg katkitpeople Change image and share on social
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg addictheroinelife Change image and share on social
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. Mitch Hedberg backblowbubble Change image and share on social
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg apeexplainfootball Change image and share on social
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg bookchildkid Change image and share on social
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg buycaredollar Change image and share on social
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg catcheatfish Change image and share on social
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. Mitch Hedberg barcandyfront Change image and share on social
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. Mitch Hedberg fingermissslow Change image and share on social
