Top 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.