Top 59 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.