Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Jessica Jackley has a gift for making people want to fork over their cash. To total strangers. Far, far away.

McDonald's says it's phasing out pig gestation crates. When I heard that news, I almost started crying.

I no longer want to live in an apartment furnished with forklifts and backhoes.