Top 181 Quotes by Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

What a nice night for an evening.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'