If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Steven Wright happenheadlightlight Change image and share on social
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Steven Wright cholesteroldrivefast Change image and share on social
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright badbustlawyer Change image and share on social
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? Steven Wright drownrestswimmer Change image and share on social
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright carddiefull Change image and share on social
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' Steven Wright babybeachday Change image and share on social
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Steven Wright acceleratorbrakecar Change image and share on social
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. Steven Wright conceptcontrivecreate share on social
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. Steven Wright civilizationgodpull Change image and share on social
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. Steven Wright comediangenerallife Change image and share on social