I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. Steven Wright dogpourremover Change image and share on social
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.' Steven Wright beddeathend Change image and share on social
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. Steven Wright expandtrafficuniverse Change image and share on social
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre. Steven Wright 80sbizarrecomedian share on social
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. Steven Wright conceptcontrivecreate share on social
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. Steven Wright insurancesellstand Change image and share on social
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. Steven Wright politicpolitician Change image and share on social
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. Steven Wright cardizzydrive Change image and share on social
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Steven Wright answercallcar Change image and share on social