You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg catcheatfish Change image and share on social
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Mitch Hedberg daylongsleep Change image and share on social
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. Mitch Hedberg pancakesyruptrap Change image and share on social
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Mitch Hedberg combinationfoosballkabob Change image and share on social
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg carcomeheadlight Change image and share on social
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? Mitch Hedberg belthappenhero Change image and share on social
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg addictheroinelife Change image and share on social
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Mitch Hedberg flyerhandthrow Change image and share on social
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. Mitch Hedberg addictblackjackcircle Change image and share on social
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg nightpeopleshow Change image and share on social
