Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

There's nothing more fun than sitting in a circle playing with people who are really into it.

I'm addicted to a really tough workout. I like to be drenched in sweat when I'm done because I feel accomplished.

If Mother Theresa went to Atlantic City, I don't think she'd start playing Blackjack.