Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

If Mother Theresa went to Atlantic City, I don't think she'd start playing Blackjack.

I'm addicted to a really tough workout. I like to be drenched in sweat when I'm done because I feel accomplished.

There's nothing more fun than sitting in a circle playing with people who are really into it.