Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I'm addicted to a really tough workout. I like to be drenched in sweat when I'm done because I feel accomplished.

Heroes and heroines don't commit adultery.

If you're not having a good time, find something else that gives you some joy in life.