Top 49 Quotes by Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.