Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Well, I actually wrote her a letter a couple of days ago congratulating her. The tone I tried to convey in the letter is, look, you are a part of a great American historical process.

In the final analysis, it is your decision to make, but it doesn't move as fast as I'd like it to move.

I tend to be slightly fastidious in the company I keep. As a woman, you almost need to be.