Top 181 Quotes by Steven Wright

About Steven Wright

These are some quotes by American author Steven Wright Comedian, who was born on December 6, 1955.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Wright

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

Steven Wright

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Steven Wright

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Wright

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