Top 55 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.