Top 71 Quotes by Rita Rudner

I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.