Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I know I'm not the kind of person who's gonna wind up a walking jukebox, like many rock 'n' roll artists. They just play their hits and that's it. That doesn't appeal to me.

When I see something that I think isn't right, I think I have some kind of, for right or wrong, an obligation to fix it.

If I can add, say, 10 great new violin concertos to the repertoire before I'm done, that will be truly exciting.