Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I had this wild imagination. I was never me. All my childhood photos, I'm in fancy dress, playing a Russian refuge or Marvelous Mad Madam Mim.

We have a saying in my house, my kids and my girlfriend. We say, 'Be your best for the greater good, and rock out wherever you are.'

It is hardly surprising that women concentrate on the way they look instead of what is in their minds since not much has been put in their minds to begin with.