It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld amazeamountday Change image and share on social
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld blenderkindtop Change image and share on social
There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen. Jerry Seinfeld enjoyhavepay Change image and share on social
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. Jerry Seinfeld botherhowardimpression Change image and share on social
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld bigbloodstainbody share on social
I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. Jerry Seinfeld endexcitegranule Change image and share on social
When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I'd get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day. Jerry Seinfeld 1980sbackcarson Change image and share on social
You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. Jerry Seinfeld attentioncompletelycouple share on social
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. Jerry Seinfeld comedyfriendfun Change image and share on social
For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. Jerry Seinfeld cleancompletelyearn share on social