Top 77 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.