Tommy Cooper

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I'm such a bad shopper for myself. I love fashion and all that kind of stuff, but that's sort of the last thing I want to do when I'm done with a film is go shopping. I want to just chill.

I spend a lot of time on eBay buying vintage. I also really like Alexander Wang, Miu Miu, Vivienne Westwood, McQueen and Balmain.

I'm Bam Margera. And I feel like kicking my dad's butt all day today.