I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. Steven Wright deadendlive Change image and share on social
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' Steven Wright askbordercanada Change image and share on social
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright carecouplemiss Change image and share on social
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. Steven Wright hotelletternight Change image and share on social
There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. Steven Wright aliveaudienceelectric share on social
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. Steven Wright ironnoticepermanent Change image and share on social
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. Steven Wright buyclotheescalator Change image and share on social
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Steven Wright catchdalidot Change image and share on social
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. Steven Wright absolutelyaudiencebasically share on social
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' Steven Wright askboatbook Change image and share on social