The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Steven Wright alaskabermudaclaus Change image and share on social
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? Steven Wright askguykid Change image and share on social
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. Steven Wright deepgrowhappen Change image and share on social
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. Steven Wright comedianfriendhappen Change image and share on social
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright forevergoodintend Change image and share on social
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? Steven Wright mimeshootsilencer Change image and share on social
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. Steven Wright audiencechangeminute share on social
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright batterybuyinclude Change image and share on social
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling. Steven Wright feltgutinterest share on social
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.' Steven Wright askbankborrow Change image and share on social
