If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Steven Wright mimeshootsilencer Change image and share on social
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. Steven Wright albumcarlinclass share on social
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. Steven Wright circulardrivewayneighbor Change image and share on social
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. Steven Wright differencemakeroom Change image and share on social
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. Steven Wright matterroomtemperature Change image and share on social
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? Steven Wright askgeorgequarter Change image and share on social
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going. Steven Wright ballflipfunny share on social
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. Steven Wright addbuyinstant Change image and share on social
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' Steven Wright bedhellrace Change image and share on social
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright barbiebuyfriend Change image and share on social
