Top 40 Quotes by Les Dawson

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.