Top 40 Quotes by Les Dawson

About Les Dawson

These are some quotes by English author Les Dawson Comedian, who lived between February 2, 1933 and June 10, 1993.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

Les Dawson

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

Les Dawson

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

Les Dawson

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

Les Dawson

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

Les Dawson

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

Les Dawson

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I'm the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

Les Dawson

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

Les Dawson

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Les Dawson

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Les Dawson

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