Top 40 Quotes by Les Dawson

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.