When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light. Les Dawson childdaddoctor Change image and share on social
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it. Les Dawson badcancelfuneral Change image and share on social
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. Les Dawson birthcertificateloophole Change image and share on social
You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge. Les Dawson audiencefinalhappy share on social
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson objectsextime Change image and share on social
With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever. Les Dawson airbasicallybravado Change image and share on social
I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles. Les Dawson defunteideainfante Change image and share on social
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.' Les Dawson doctorpillsleep Change image and share on social
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. Les Dawson daygoodprice Change image and share on social
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' Les Dawson angelbanjobeer share on social
