I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' Les Dawson kicklawman Change image and share on social
I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it. Les Dawson badcancelfuneral Change image and share on social
I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored. Les Dawson badcriticlong Change image and share on social
I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate. Les Dawson birthcertificateloophole Change image and share on social
My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson objectsextime Change image and share on social
You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge. Les Dawson audiencefinalhappy share on social
Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up. Les Dawson couplefinishinstitution Change image and share on social
I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.' Les Dawson doctorpillsleep Change image and share on social
The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week. Les Dawson daygoodprice Change image and share on social
Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.' Les Dawson angelbanjobeer share on social
