I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you. Joan Rivers boscheckfox Change image and share on social
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. Joan Rivers birthcordcut Change image and share on social
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers birthcontrolleave Change image and share on social
Sure I do a lot of jokes about Anne Frank. But when you do those jokes, it makes people remember what happened to her. That process of bringing her story back doesn't have to be a serious one. What I say is all nonsense, but it helps to keep her memory alive. Joan Rivers aliveanneback share on social
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened. Joan Rivers changefeelforward share on social
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers ageangryanymore share on social
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible. Joan Rivers badforwardhappen Change image and share on social
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. Joan Rivers askmakeman Change image and share on social
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.' Joan Rivers hellhouselaw Change image and share on social