Top 49 Quotes by Fred Allen

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.