You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. Emo Philips backgiverhate Change image and share on social
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' Emo Philips bedcrushdiscover Change image and share on social
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. Emo Philips blankchildjump Change image and share on social
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips chewleathermorning Change image and share on social
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips mothersexsister Change image and share on social
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips avenuedollarfeel share on social
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips doorfriendimaginary Change image and share on social
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. Emo Philips combinationevilincompetence Change image and share on social
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips exterminatornightsleep Change image and share on social
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. Emo Philips beatcostumedress Change image and share on social
