Top 42 Quotes by Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.