I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips exterminatornightsleep Change image and share on social
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. Emo Philips blankchildfire Change image and share on social
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce. Emo Philips concernpeoplereproduce Change image and share on social
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. Emo Philips givegunknife Change image and share on social
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips chewleathermorning Change image and share on social
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. Emo Philips coffeeenemahave Change image and share on social
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips mothersexsister Change image and share on social
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips avenuedollarfeel share on social
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. Emo Philips disasterhelpsite Change image and share on social
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. Emo Philips backgiverhate Change image and share on social
