Top 42 Quotes by Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.