Top 42 Quotes by Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.