I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. Emo Philips avenuedollarfeel share on social
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. Emo Philips givegunknife Change image and share on social
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' Emo Philips finallyladymile Change image and share on social
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' Emo Philips askfathergirlfriend Change image and share on social
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. Emo Philips classmatecopulatelimit Change image and share on social
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Emo Philips agedaygood Change image and share on social
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. Emo Philips coffeeenemahave Change image and share on social
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. Emo Philips brotherhoorayspeech Change image and share on social
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. Emo Philips dayunderwear Change image and share on social
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. Emo Philips blankchildfire Change image and share on social
