Top 42 Quotes by Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.