I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips doorfriendimaginary Change image and share on social
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. Emo Philips combinationevilincompetence Change image and share on social
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Emo Philips devillifelove Change image and share on social
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. Emo Philips barbeernipple Change image and share on social
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! Emo Philips alibikennedyparty Change image and share on social
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.' Emo Philips finallyladymile Change image and share on social
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' Emo Philips bigcornerface share on social
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!' Emo Philips askfathergirlfriend Change image and share on social
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. Emo Philips blankchildjump Change image and share on social
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. Emo Philips backgiverhate Change image and share on social
