Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. Emo Philips beatcostumedress Change image and share on social
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.' Emo Philips bigcornerface share on social
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. Emo Philips alleywayduckgay Change image and share on social
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. Emo Philips alibikennedypeople Change image and share on social
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. Emo Philips britishcomiccopy Change image and share on social
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. Emo Philips englandstandunusual Change image and share on social
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist. Emo Philips dutchgermanmissionary Change image and share on social
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips askbicycleforgive Change image and share on social
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' Emo Philips grandfatherremembertruck Change image and share on social
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. Emo Philips barbarstoolgum Change image and share on social
