The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. Emo Philips combinationevilincompetence Change image and share on social
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. Emo Philips alibikennedypeople Change image and share on social
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. Emo Philips britishcomiccopy Change image and share on social
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. Emo Philips englandstandunusual Change image and share on social
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips askbicycleforgive Change image and share on social
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' Emo Philips grandfatherremembertruck Change image and share on social
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Emo Philips devillifelove Change image and share on social
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Emo Philips chewleathermorning Change image and share on social
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. Emo Philips barbarstoolgum Change image and share on social
My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. Emo Philips mothersexsister Change image and share on social
