People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. Demetri Martin arguecardrive share on social
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. Demetri Martin dayforwardmorning Change image and share on social
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin catapultfatfriend Change image and share on social
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. Demetri Martin beebirdchild Change image and share on social
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin employeegoodloser Change image and share on social
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Demetri Martin birthdaychristmasearly Change image and share on social
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. Demetri Martin creativefootholdperson Change image and share on social
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Demetri Martin fatladlespoon Change image and share on social
