Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. Demetri Martin apologizefuneral Change image and share on social
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin catapultfatfriend Change image and share on social
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. Demetri Martin beebirdchild Change image and share on social
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin employeegoodloser Change image and share on social
I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. Demetri Martin collaborativecolleaguecomedy share on social
As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. Demetri Martin creativefootholdperson Change image and share on social
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Demetri Martin birthdaychristmasearly Change image and share on social
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Demetri Martin fatladlespoon Change image and share on social