I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! Demetri Martin askbigbite share on social
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' Demetri Martin clipcomputercool share on social
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' Demetri Martin bumperhanghey Change image and share on social
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin employeegoodloser Change image and share on social
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. Demetri Martin jobmakemoney Change image and share on social
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. Demetri Martin daydreamfind Change image and share on social
I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. Demetri Martin bodycomplicateenjoy Change image and share on social
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite. Demetri Martin actorfavoritepeter Change image and share on social
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin 000finishjigsaw Change image and share on social
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. Demetri Martin associationbarcouncil Change image and share on social
