Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I'm just a lipgloss, blush and mascara kind of girl. I like playing with a bright lipstick or a heavy eye... But not together!

The frontiers we broke into in the '60s are still largely unexplored.

Americans are very patriotic and they want someone to support. In order to entice more fans, and to allow F1 to compete with Nascar and IndyCar, there needs to be an American driver.