Demetri Martin

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I broke with my religion in college.

The government has once again made the right socially acceptable.

A myth is a lie that conceals or reveals a truth. But if it reveals even a strand of history or truth, that's what gets my adrenaline going.