Top 83 Quotes by Dave Barry

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.