Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. Tim Vine blowcandlecouple Change image and share on social
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine apparentlybrotherchan share on social
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. Tim Vine bansteadcoffeecosta share on social
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff. Tim Vine actbusydrive Change image and share on social
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. Tim Vine cellophanedvdpsychiatrist Change image and share on social
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' Tim Vine flexiblegyminstructor Change image and share on social
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul. Tim Vine bedroombitedavid share on social
Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is. Tim Vine comedycoverqualify Change image and share on social
