So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.' Tim Vine flexiblegyminstructor Change image and share on social
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. Tim Vine backcabinetchair Change image and share on social
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Tim Vine lovepacksmall Change image and share on social
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative. Tim Vine countlinernarrative Change image and share on social
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. Tim Vine childhoodcomicconscious share on social
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. Tim Vine cellophanedvdpsychiatrist Change image and share on social
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' Tim Vine bathcalldepend Change image and share on social
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul. Tim Vine bedroombitedavid share on social
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. Tim Vine bitechoppyday Change image and share on social
