I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. Tim Vine bansteadcoffeecosta share on social
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke. Tim Vine condenseconfidencehear Change image and share on social
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again. Tim Vine haveholidaylifetime Change image and share on social
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues. Tim Vine kindmeanpeople Change image and share on social
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. Tim Vine backcabinetchair Change image and share on social
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. Tim Vine lovepacksmall Change image and share on social
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. Tim Vine cellophanedvdpsychiatrist Change image and share on social
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' Tim Vine bathcalldepend Change image and share on social
I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. Tim Vine datemetaphorsimile Change image and share on social
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it. Tim Vine dadenjoyoccasionally Change image and share on social
