I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. Tim Vine bansteadcoffeecosta share on social
As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing. Tim Vine accesschildlikecomic Change image and share on social
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. Tim Vine bitechoppyday Change image and share on social
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. Tim Vine factfoxhunt Change image and share on social
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' Tim Vine homephonepick Change image and share on social
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. Tim Vine callcompulsivelyparonomasiac Change image and share on social
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. Tim Vine chineseduckred Change image and share on social
For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life. Tim Vine excessivelylifepun Change image and share on social
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine apparentlybrotherchan share on social
