Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

I'd date someone younger or older; age doesn't matter to me. Or looks, really - it's all about maturity.

I had a weimaraner for 11 years called China, and he was a great dog, a bit mad. They're massive, weimaraners; they've got big floppy ears. They look like a pointer, but they're liver-coloured.

I get a kick out of watching a team defense me. A player moves two steps in one direction and I hit it two steps the other way. It goes right by his glove and I laugh.