Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

I don't eat cereal actually... Frosted Flakes... that's as close as I can get.

I love my kitchen. On the weekends, we have friends over, the kids are buzzing around, and we cook and talk.

There is a peculiar burning odor in the room, like explosives. the kitchen fills with smoke and the hot, sweet, ashy smell of scorched cookies. The war has begun.