Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Trying to rebuild Afghanistan on the cheap has left the country in the hands of warlords and an impotent Northern Alliance puppet regime that runs Kabul and nothing else.

Well, I actually wrote her a letter a couple of days ago congratulating her. The tone I tried to convey in the letter is, look, you are a part of a great American historical process.