Top 53 Quotes by George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.