I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin askbookstoredefeat Change image and share on social
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin drivefastidiot Change image and share on social
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? George Carlin dayimpatient Change image and share on social
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin badgirljolly Change image and share on social
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin beliefdiefrisbeetarianism Change image and share on social
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin confuseevilforce Change image and share on social
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. George Carlin barcandychocolate Change image and share on social
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carlin atheismorganizationprophet Change image and share on social
