Frank Carson

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

Australians and the British are very similar: If you try and stand out in any way, and you try to reach for success, someone is gonna be there to cut you down.

Ten flashing lights are a nuisance but 500 are fantastic.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.