Dennis Miller

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

It took me realizing that a broken heart has never actually killed anyone to find the courage to ask for what I want, in just about every situation. That was part of my own growing up.

I have no hatred for cops. I have hatred for racists and brutal people, but not necessarily the cops. The cops are just doing what they're told to do.

I love fat people. Every fat person says it's not their fault, that they have gland trouble. You know which gland? The saliva gland.