Dennis Miller

I want to help the helpless, but I don't want to help the clueless.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Shaft was a pop culture figure along t he lines of, I guess, Dirty Harry - except that he wasn't as much of a racist. So yeah, I was always a fan.

The one complaint about the Internet that I wholeheartedly endorse is that most of these tools have been designed to peck at us like ducks: 'Hey, there's a new reply to your comment! Come look at it!'

I'm a big action junkie. I grew up on the '80s action movies - the bad ones and the good ones.